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Nov. 9th, 2005 04:08 pmI don't have time for a full entry right now, so I'll type up some notes I've been making in my notebook for the past few weeks.
Sometimes I have fantasies that my life is really a huge joke in development and that someday soon, the punch line will come and I'll be able to sit back, drink in hand, relieved of all further responsibility. But straight on its heels comes the ghastly imagining- what if it's already happened? The audience has finished laughing, the lights have dimmed and flickered out, and I'm still here; toiling under the misapprehension that my moment of glory hasn't come and gone.
It's a terribly nightmarish thought, realizing that people you thought of yourself as close to could vanish from your life like a will-o-the-wisp, completely untracable, entirely unfindable. The only thing worse is to understand that they might already have done so.
Better to lose a friend that you have than to realize that they never were.
Ten o' clock at night is quite magical. The fabric of time seems to twist, stretch, and fold like an elastic, leaving you with a half-hour which lasts forever but somehow enables you to get everything done, albeit with great stress and crabbiness.
I think the saddest sound/feeling (they go together, for me) in the world is an opportunity whispering by. Whether it's an introduction you were to busy to make, and e-mail you were to busy to respond to, a potential friend you didn't have the time to make more of; it's all the same. The sound of might-have-been but will-never-be. The feeling of something beautiful gone forever, like the sun going behind a cloud, if a cloud stretched from horizon to horizon. Some do; I've seen them.
Soon though soon may be, sooner will never be soon enough, nor eternity too long.
Sometimes I have fantasies that my life is really a huge joke in development and that someday soon, the punch line will come and I'll be able to sit back, drink in hand, relieved of all further responsibility. But straight on its heels comes the ghastly imagining- what if it's already happened? The audience has finished laughing, the lights have dimmed and flickered out, and I'm still here; toiling under the misapprehension that my moment of glory hasn't come and gone.
It's a terribly nightmarish thought, realizing that people you thought of yourself as close to could vanish from your life like a will-o-the-wisp, completely untracable, entirely unfindable. The only thing worse is to understand that they might already have done so.
Better to lose a friend that you have than to realize that they never were.
Ten o' clock at night is quite magical. The fabric of time seems to twist, stretch, and fold like an elastic, leaving you with a half-hour which lasts forever but somehow enables you to get everything done, albeit with great stress and crabbiness.
I think the saddest sound/feeling (they go together, for me) in the world is an opportunity whispering by. Whether it's an introduction you were to busy to make, and e-mail you were to busy to respond to, a potential friend you didn't have the time to make more of; it's all the same. The sound of might-have-been but will-never-be. The feeling of something beautiful gone forever, like the sun going behind a cloud, if a cloud stretched from horizon to horizon. Some do; I've seen them.
Soon though soon may be, sooner will never be soon enough, nor eternity too long.
