Late-night Ramblings

I'm sorry it took me so long to update, but I can compensate- this will be a long one. In the interest of chronological order, I'll begin with the thoughts that came to me at 11:34 last night.

I think I'm socially suicidal. I just got this urge to introduce a friend, who shall here be called Marie for no other reason than that I like that name, to POTO and the associated forums. She's many things I'm not- creative, spontaneous, funny... I feel like I'm making friends, so I have to introduce them to this girl who outshines me like the sun outshines a pocket flashlight, so that she'll make friends with everyone and I can slink off to my dark corner unnoticed. That's the surface thought at least. A little deeper I'm hoping that I'll be wrong, that she won't like it or that everyone will miss me desperately. Further in I'm thinking that I'm too insecure and that neither of those things will happen. I should stop nursing this weird fantasy. I can hope that I've made more of an impression with people than it seems to me. I'm obsessing over this because I have no life. I don't really hate myself as much as it sounds, but if I always set myself up for the worst I'll never be disappointed again. Making friends is like walking a tightrope; the further out you go, the worse it will be if you fall, and the more tempting it becomes to just jump and end the nervousness. I sort of know that you can't lose friends that easily, but it truly seems that way and it makes me desperately afraid.

I wish that I didn't have to give due consideration and voice to all these conflicting layers. I must be mad, just a little, and everyone will be able to tell. But I'd be lying to myself and my nonexistent readers if I let them think my thoughts stopped after the first step.


~One Step Off the Deep End, Kit